The Menace
by Scotius
Summary: Atlantis is infiltrated by enemy most vile.
1. Out of the fire

The Menace.

John S. & Rodney M.. Humor. Bit of Shep whump. Also hints of Sparky.

Timeline: Elizabeth and Carson are here – so obviously before end of season 3.

Previev: Atlantis is infiltrated by enemy most vile.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to MGM/Gecko.

Chapter one.

Typically, it all started with unscheduled off-world activation of the Stargate. While chevrons lit up one by one Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard stood on the balcony overlooking Gate Room and with pride, satisfaction and healthy dose of apprehension watched well organized and many times rehearsed chaos below. Shield flickered to life, teams on security duty took positions with weapons drawn and aimed, random passerbys hurriedly cleared the area. Before Elizabeth Weir managed to leave her office and incoming wormhole splashed against the shield, Gate Room was ready and waited in tense silence for another curveball Pegasus was going to threw at them.

"Anything, Chuck?" He asked blond technician casting a glance at Elizabeth, who just came to his side and gripped the railing. She arched her eyebrow and he shrugged in response. "None of our teams is supposed to return or call anytime soon" Explanation was unnecessary, she knew daily schedule by heart too – but it filled the silence, and quick smile rewarded his effort.

"Not yet, Sir...uh, i got IDC just now. Its Captain Locke, Colonel!" Replied Canadian Sargeant. _'Locke?'_ That was a surprise. Good Captain's team went to Athalia – one of their minor, but more trustworthy trading allies since Year One. Just a 'blue milk run' for some exotic spices and healing herbs Medical Departament was interested with. And in two years plus, none of their teams had any problems there. Turning back to the Gate Colonel noticed Elizabeth's hand halfway to her headset.

"Captain Locke? This is Weir, please respond" Despite situation he had to smile a little. Cool, calm and collected – her 'radio voice' never failed to give him warm, pleasant fuzzies. Even when he was running for his life...Hell, especially when he was running for his life.

"Ma'am!" Locke's voice burst from speakers. Another surprise – Marine officers never, ever yelled desperately. Even when there was battalion of Wraith drones breathing down their necks. "Drop the shield! We're coming in hot!" Yup, that was his cue.

"Captain, this is Sheppard" He said, trying to project some calm to Marine on the other side of wormhole. "Whats the situation. Are you under attack?"

"Negative Sir!" Answer was immediate, and breathless. "Its a forest fire Colonel. Its all around us. We've barely made it to the Gate." Coughing. Someone was yelling in the background. Crap. He nodded at Chuck. Elizabeth was already calling Beckett and medical team to the Gate Room.

"Shield's down Captain. Come through." He was halfway down the stairs when event horizon rippled and first body came through at full run. Marine in dirty, smoking BDU's tripped, fell and rolled on the floor. Grunt of pain, arm tucked tightly to the chest – most likely first of newest batch of Carson's guests. He barely recognized Corporal Tyrell under grime and soot. Next came Private Nathanson – he managed not to fall, but was barely able to make couple of steps to the side before bending in a coughing fit. '_Thats two'. _Doc was already there, crouched over Tyrell, murmuring encouragements, his medical posse milling around with O2 tanks, IVs and gurneys. He caught Elizabeth's worried expression as he turned back to the Stargate. Exactly at this moment rest of the team came through – Locke and Quelvada half supporting, half dragging Dr. Asagumi, Carson's court Pharmacist. _'Three, four, five – all accounted for.'_ "Medic!" He yelled rushing to their side. Asagumi was already sliding limply to the floor, her thick black hair smoking. Her teammates weren't doing much better – he had to catch Quelvada before tall Sargeant fell on top of petite Japanese woman. Second set of hands helped to keep Marine upright – Ronon of course, grim but steady like a rock. Moments later they were surrounded by medics gently but firmly taking hold of wheezing, coughing patients, administering oxygen, gauze, whisking them on the gurneys. There was nothing more he could do, so with nod to his teammate Colonel went to stand by Elizabeth's side. She was absently wiping hands in handkerchief, anxious eyes following procession of gurneys heading for infirmary.

"You're OK?" He asked quietly. She looked away. "Yes, of course. I was not the one to run through burning forest after all." '_I was just the one to send them there' _Supplied her eyes in a way that had nothing to do with telepathy, and everything with trust and deep, intimate connection that grew between them during many similiar moments. "Hey. Stuff happens." He squeezed gently her elbow. _'They are home and safe. Dont beat yourself over this. Please.' _Shroud lifted a bit from green eyes, and small but genuine smile appeared like sunrise. He blew quiet, relieved sigh when cold knot in his stomach finally dissolved.

"Private, you really need to lie down. Please, let me take it." Soft but firm voice of one of the nurses brought his attention to the side, where Nathanson still sat on the stairs. Marine clutched tightly something that looked like burlap sack filled with something lumpy, and apparently refused to budge from his spot until rest of his team was cared for. On the other hand nurse Olafsson – strong motherly woman that served her turn in war-torn Kosovo and volunteered for another, was having none of it. Still chatting placatingly she deftly pried curled fingers open and took a hold of the bag...only to drop it with a shriek when something inside jerked sharply. "Help! There is something alive inside!" Years of training and experience instantly kicked in and Sheppard pushed expedition leader behind him, pulling his sidearm in one swift movement. Every gun in the room took aim at shuddering pile of fabric.

"Nathanson! What the hell is this?" Colonel's voice rang loud and angry over shuffle of personnel backing away warily. Marine shrank down a bit and swallowed with difficulty. But before he had a chance to answer his CO, sack unfolded, and creatures hiding inside stumbled out.


	2. Computers and coffee dont mix well

Chapter two

(Coffee and computers dont mix well.)

"So, Sheppard." Rodney's voice was cheerful and literally oozing with glee. "When you, and your merry band of brothers will start first branch of Greenpeace outside of our galaxy?" Colonel looked up from his paperwork with mild irritation. Althought it had to be done, team evaluations were not his favourite method of spending time. The less interruptions, the faster it would be finished and out of his hair. And suspiciously cheerful Rodney was bound to cause big delay.

"What do you mean Rodney?" Of course he had a strong suspicion what brought McKay to his tiny office, but if he could play ignorant and dense long enough, then maybe scientist would get annoyed and hopefully leave him alone. Canadian smirked at him from the doorway.

"There is no need to be ashamed, Sheppard. And i bet you know what im talking about. Its a very touching and heartwarming story about noble men serving under your command." Rodney gave him look of disgustedly false admiration. "Team of rough-and-tough Marines risks their lives to save family of cute, fuzzy rabbits from burning forest. Such bravery!" Level of mockery in nauseatingly sweet voice was sky high now. Sheppard fought the urge to brain his obnoxious friend with paperweight. Then Rodney looked into space with exaggerated inspiration and Colonel cringed waiting for a punchline. "Just imagine what a wondeful movie Disney would make from this story, John. Millions of children around the world would cry happy tears watching it." Rodney casted a glance to gauge his friend's reaction, and stopped cold. There was no smile on Colonels face, not even hint of amusement in dark eyes. "What?" He asked with a frown. "It really is funny." Sheppard leaned back in his chair with sour expression.

"Tyrell broke his collar bone and two ribs. Asagumi has second and third degree burns on her side and thigh. She'll most probably need plastic surgery to fix scarring. Rest of the team suffers from smoke inhalation and small burns all over their bodies. They are so miserable, i couldn't bring myself to give them proper dressing down." He said matter-of-factly. "According to Beckett it will be at least two months before they can return to work as a team. So no, Rodney – i am not amused at all."

"Well, if you put it this way, Colonel..." McKay fidgeted uncomfortably, and came inside to take a seat in front of John's desk. "At least our ladies are happy...- ish now." That brought blank stare from the Colonel.

"Whats that supposed to mean?" Asked Sheppard with obvious confusion. Rodney frowned back. "What, you dont know what happened with the rabbits? Where have you been?" Sheppard rolled the eyes at him. "Infirmary, Rodney. Checking on my men. And these animals are not rabbits, by the way." Rodney shrugged indifferently. "They're furry. They have long ears. They eat plants. And they hop around – close enough for me."

"Whatever!" Sheppard was getting really impatient now, which was clearly visible in the way he tapped table top with his pen. "They're in cages in biology lab now – and good riddance!"

"No, they are not." Smugly said Rodney. Tapping stopped. Sheppard blew defeated sigh, and abandoning all hopes of returning to reports anytime soon leaned back again. "OK, McKay – why dont you just tell me what happened when i've left to find Carson?" Gleeful smile instantly returned on Rodney's face. "First, let me tell you its a real shame nobody in Gate Room had a camera ready when these space bunnies appeared. You and your grunts looked really impressive pointing all this heavy artillery at six little furballs on the floor." Low, almost seismic rumble emanated from the Colonel and Canadian's grin widened momentarily before turning into frown. "Second, isnt that convenient that security recording of this event disappeared from the mainframe?" Sheppard smiled innocently. "I bet its _Sargeant _Campbell's fault. You know how clumsy the guy is – he's pushing wrong buttons all the time."

"Really." Rodney huffed disbelievingly, not missing slight emphasis placed on Chuck's military rank, but decided to drop it...for now. "Anyway, after you disappeared and your heroic subordinates decided that six itty-bitty bundles of fuzz are not a threat to Atlantis, initial idea indeed was to leave them in capable hands of our frog–cutters. But then Elizabeth, Katie, Teyla and other women had a good look, and 'poof' – instant love."

"You're kidding me." Snorted Sheppard. "I wish Colonel. Unfortunately our little strays apparently have owners, names and official status as pets now." Rodney dejectedly crossed his arms and scowled – clearly projecting annoyance and displeasure. Sheppard questioningly cocked an eyebrow. "Katie 'adopted' one of them, Miko took another one – now i have to watch my steps both in lab and uh, Katie's place. And..." Rodney raised index finger. "Before you start to tease me, you should know that Cadman got a bunny too. Probably its hopping all over armory by now."

"So?" Colonel didn't look worried at all. "Cadman's not my girlfriend, just subordinate. I only need to give her an order and problem is gone. One of small perks of being Commanding Officer." Rodney clearly was not convinced."If you say so, Sheppard. But you dont know Cadman like i do. She won't make this easy for you – mark my words." Physicist stood up and straightened his jacket. "Anyway, i'll let you go back to your paperwork. Dinner later?"

"Sure." Sheppard scowled at the pile of folders before him. "I should be about done by then."

"You better. I heard there will be cake today." Rodney waved and disappeared in his lab's direction. Sheppard glanced at his watch, and with a sigh opened another file.

...

"_Plukovnik _Sheppard!" John jumped at sudden noise. Before he had any chance to recover, Radek Zelenka slapped a hand on top of the desk and jabbed a finger at his face. "Do something! It cannot go on. We cant work like that!" Czech engineer was beet-red and seething with anger. John backed away from the finger, and instantly bumped his chair into wall. He really needed bigger office, even just to have more space to dodge furious scientists.

"Whoa! Easy there, Doc. Tell me what's going on." Radek took a deep breath and stood back glaring at the Colonel with thunderous face. "_Ano!_ I will tell you..._Ne!" _Radek stopped abruptly and swiftly moved around the desk. A second later sleeve of Sheppard's jacket was in firm grip, and little Czech was tugging him from the chair with surprising strenght. "Come!" Fearing for his uniform's integrity John stood up and let himself be dragged into corridor. Zelenka was pushing up his glasses, gesticulating and talking in chopped manner at the same time. "I will show you. _Ano! _You need to see this with own eyes." John was somewhat stunned. Radek Zelenka certainly had a temper, but he didn't usually behaved like this when Rodney was nowhere near to test his patience. Deciding that he'll get to the heart of problem faster if he'll just go with the flow, Colonel obediently followed irate engineer, ignoring curious looks of people watching their little procession. Finally they arrived at entrance to Radek's laboratory and owner of the place stomped inside still muttering something nasty in his native language. Before entering Colonel paused in the doorway and cautiously peered inside. Judging by Radek's fury he expected to find the place turned upside down, or maybe annexed by Rodney as newest part of his ever growing private domain. And yet spacious room was empty and quiet. Of course there were spare parts, bundles of wires and unidentified containers littering every flat space – but it always looked like that as long as he remembered.

"OK Radek, we're here. What im supposed to see?" Zelenka pivoted to face him."This!" Sheppard blinked at something long, thin and black that Radek was dangling in front of his face. "Is that...a piece of wire?"

"Not just a wire." Zelenka shook his hand angrily, and Colonel stepped away to avoid being hit in the nose with ends of mysterious cable. "Its special! Essential for subspace communicator. Isolated to not give interference with our electronics. Very expensive, we have only one spare! Look, _ted_ _to je smet. _Garbage!" Sheppard took a closer look. Indeed, isolation covering the wire was clearly damaged, one plug seemed to be...chewed up?

"Somebody gnawed at it?" Radek's teeth made grinding sound. "Not someone Colonel. That was one of stupid, stinking rats your soldiers brought here." _Ouch._ "Listen Radek, i know you are angry. But shouldn't you rather go to the owner of this animal? Rodney told me earlier that Miko got one of these rabbit...things. Maybe it was hers..." Sheppard stopped talking when Radek's bespectacled eyes went wide looking at something behind his back. Slowly, he turned around lowering right hand to his sidearm's butt. Movement on top of the counter instantly focused his attention on small animal – brown, with dark vertical stripes on the back. Its ears were more rounded than pointed, tail was almost as long as rest of the body – but it still looked remarkably like terrestial rabbit. And it was sniffing at styrofoam cup full of coffee standing next to open, working laptop. Radek made a small, whimpering sound, and animal looked sharply in their direction. For a moment Sheppard could swear it sneered maliciously. "Radek, be quiet." He hissed, but warning came too late. Czech moved from behind him making shooing noises and space rabbit bolted.

"_Hovno!"_ Screamed Zelenka lunging forward , but he was too slow. Strong hind legs propelled alien animal in impressive leap from the counter almost to the door, and end of the tail swatted at the cup. Stream of dark liquid splashed over the keyboard and machine sizzled, coughed up cloud of acrid smoke, and died.

"_ZARAZA! Pockej ty potvoro! Ja tebe zabiju!"_ Sheppard cautiously backed towards the door while Radek desperately checked his dripping laptop. "Uh, looks like you gonna be busy here Doc. So, y'know, i'll go talk to now. OK?" Zelenka ignored him completely, still verbally abusing his nemesis in three different languages. Deciding that tactical retreat was a wise thing to do, Colonel quietly reiterated out of the lab and down the corridor. He stopped next to transporter and pondered the situation. During the course of last few days "space bunnies" as they become called by city's inhabitants caused quite the commotion. Almost every female member of the expedition become smitten with new pets, and since initially they have only six, jealousy ran high. And just like Rodney predicted, Lt. Cadman followed example of fellow civilian owners and tried to bring her 'Minnie' to work. He had to have some words with her, and now Laura was offended, rest of his female subordinates were giving him evil looks – and like it was not enough his own 2iC obviously took Cadman's side. Lorne's crush on redheaded Marine was well known secret, but giving his CO silent treatment was a ridiculous reaction. And now this. Thanks to little pest's sabotage Zelenka was on the verge of explosion, which undoubtly would affect whole Engineering, and by extension affect McKay as well. Rodney could be really difficult when things in his Departament weren't working smoothly. Sheppard sighed and rubbed his neck. He could already feel tense knots forming. Something had to be done, and fast. He could deal with military part of the problem, but there was only one person in Atlantis that could effectively smooth ruffled civilian feathers. Door to transporter booth swooshed open and upon entering Colonel determinedly stabbed control panel.


	3. On collision course

Chapter three

"Lizbeth?" Sheppard tapped lightly at glass wall. "Are you busy?" Pair of tired green eyes looked at him over the pile of papers and one eyebrow lifted in infamous expression. _Duh! _"Heh, sorry." Colonel gave embarrassed cough and leaned against doorframe. "I just need five minutes, thats all...its kinda important, y'know." Elizabeth closed her eyes and with quiet groan stretched her back and arms. Something popped audibly and he winced sympatethically, for a moment entertaining idea of moving behind her and giving her neck and shoulders obviously much needed massage. Instead he walked inside the office and perched on top of the desk.

"Looks like you need a break anyway." Elizabeth shrugged a bit bashfully.

"Maybe so. But there is no rest for the wicked. And before you ask – yes, i had lunch earlier." With flourish and cheeky smile expedition leader produced a plate with remains of a sandwich and empty cup of Jello, and he had to laugh at her proud expression. "Am i so predictable?" Mischievous smile widened.

"Afraid so, Colonel. But dont worry John, i won't tell anyone that i can read you like a book." _'Im not worried.' _Lines of stress and exhaustion disappeared from her beautiful face, and green eyes softened. '_I know. And thank you.' _Sudden burst of laughter somewhere outside interrupted their moment of silence, and Elizabeth straightened, all business again. "I hope these five minutes are about reports you are due to give me before next databurst?" Sheppard made a face. "I remember. They are ready...mostly."

"Mostly."

"Really. I just need to cross the t's, dot the i's. You'll have them tomorrow." Playful smile returned on her lips and Sheppard shifted nervously. "Why didn't you dumped them on Evan this time?" _Ow, straight to the heart. And note to self – dont piss off Lorne before all reports are ready._ "He's busy." He replied going for casual. "He's trying to force newbies to un-learn SGC training routines. They dont work well against Wraith. Besides, its not like he's doing _that_ much of my paperwork." Elizabeth nodded sagely, lips pursed "No, of course...only parts you despise. Like reports, evaluations, lists of lost equipment..."

"All right already, i get the point!" He hopped off the desk, suddenly irritated. First Zelenka. Now Elizabeth, of all people. _Is this "Pick-on-Sheppard Day" and i missed my memo?_ He turned to look at Weir suspiciously. "Cadman was here to tell on me, didnt she?" Something similiar to guilt flickered in her eyes, but she didnt look away.

"Yes, and she was nearly crying, John. I thought we've agreed that rabbits are good for morale. You've also said that you have no problems with soldiers under your command keeping them." Sheppard raised a finger interrupting her speech.

"She can keep them, yes. In her quarters. But not in armory, in the basket adorned with _pink ribbons!_" His voice carried so much disgust Elizabeth dissolved into peals of laughter, and despite his irritation Sheppard had to join her. It took good couple of minutes before they calmed enough to look at each other without losing it again.

"Pink ribbons. Good Lord, how i wish i could see your face when you spotted her with the basket." Elizabeth snickered wiping tears with her fingers. Colonel waggled his eyebrows.

"No one was laughing, i assure you Lisbeth. But this is serious, really. Just before i came here i was in Radek's laboratory. One of rabbits chewed some important cable in half, and later spilled coffee on one of his laptops. Thats why im here." At this point Elizabeth sobered completely and was listening with full attention. "Listen, i know you, hell, half of the crew love those critters. They are cute, pretty, dont smell and are great pets. But people need to keep them away from places that are not completely safe – can you imagine what could happen if one of them decided to play in Rodney's laboratory?" Sheppard returned to the desk and leaned toward Dr. Weir, looking intently into her eyes. "And honestly, Laura should know better too. She's explosives expert for crying out loud! We have C4, Claymores, grenades, we even have containers with freaking napalm in the storage. Elizabeth, i dont want to lose anyone under my command just because someone's pet incidentally messed with box of detonators." Weir, now in full 'Expedition Leader' mode nodded firmly at him.

"You are right of course, John. We allowed too much freedom to these animals. I'll make sure all owners will control them better. I'll also bring this matter at next meting with departament heads – we'll designate areas off-limits for rabbits." She paused rubbing her forehead tiredly, and Sheppard immediately felt pang of guilt. She had enough work already, and he just added another worry to her burden. But it had to be done, and they both were responsible for safety of all city inhabitants. Squashing another urge to go and comfort her in any way he could offer, Colonel bent to settle in his usual armchair standing in front of the desk. At the same moment Elizabeth raised head to look at him...and her eyes widened in horror.

"NO! JOHN, DONT SIT DOWN!" Scream was so loud and urgent that Sheppard's body reacted instantly, jackknifing out of the chair – way too fast for any hope of stopping or even slowing down its velocity before... With guttural _'Oomphhh'_ his stomach and hip collided with desk's edge and for several hazy seconds he could see only red stars of pain. Gasping for air, barely able to stand John was dimly aware of Dr. Weir rushing to his side, talking in soft, soothing voice.

"Oh, are you all right? There, there, dont be scared." _Huh? _"Dont worry little ones, Mommy is here. You are safe now." _Little ones? Mommy? Wait a ever – loving second! _Ignoring his body protests and blinking away tears of pain Sheppard finally uncurled himself and took good look at his friend and leader. She was cooing at two bundles of brown and gray fur clutched protectively to her chest. Above her arm two pairs of beady, black eyes were giving him twin looks of pure hatred. John groaned and dropped his head. "_Et tu, _Elizabeth_?_"


	4. Fertilizer is not good for apples

Chapter four

**Author's notes**: Sorry for the delay folks. That annoying thing known as "Real Life" interfered with my plans of posting new chapters regularly. But now im back with more insanity, OOCness and mayhem.

...

"So, are you really OK Colonel?" Sheppard took a plate from the stack and started walking towards food line. McKay catched up with him carrying his own plate.

"Yeah, im fine." Rodney snorted at this.

"Sure, you say this every time, even when you are leaking blood and broken bones stick from you." Colonel rolled his eyes.

"Do you see any blood and bones this time, McKay?" Scientist actually stopped to give him once – over.

"No, but what about internal bleeding? No ruptured spleen, or something else? I heard you were barely able to walk" Sheppard stopped too, to give his friend annoyed look.

"Its just a bruise Rodney, i've had worse after sparring with Ronon. And do you really think Carson would release me in less than an hour if there'd be something wrong with me?" McKay shrugged and begin to load his plate with various foodstuffs.

"No, i dont think so, but his voodoo magic is rather unreliable. I can recall one situation when you were _'fine'_ and Carson released you right away. Next thing we knew, you turned all blue and scaly and creepy. Maybe he knows how to make voodoo dolls and shear sheeps, but diagnosing people? Ha! Can you believe he had the gall to say that my leg cramps are caused by me being too heavy? Its clearly sign of not enough potassium in my blood, not weight problems – which i dont have. Im in better shape than this sheep herder. He's doing exactly nothing in his sterile lair, just patting heads Ronon and Teyla busted during training. Im sure he'll cry if he had to go off-world, while i..." At this point Colonel completely tuned out his rambling friend. His gaze skimmed various dishes looking for his favorite fruit. Young Marine on KP duty moved closer smiling at his CO.

"Can i help you, Sir?" Sheppard looked up distractedly.

"Yes Corporal, actually you can. I'd like an apple, and i cant find any." Smile dissapeared from soldiers face, and Marine shifted with obvious unease.

"Uh, we dont have any apples today Sir. But i can bring you bowl of peaches in syrup, or sliced pineapple." Colonel felt his 'CO instinct' tingle. No apples? And why he was offered processed stuff from the can? Something definitely was up in the kitchen, but what?

"Well, i dont really want anything from the can today. What about orange? Or grapefruit?" He drawled casually. Corporal, his name tag identified him as Cipriano, swallowed and shoot panicked glance towards kitchen.

"Umm, they are...uh, unavailable at this moment Colonel! What about juice? We have apple juice too if you want some, Sir." _Unavailable, my butt._ Sheppard levelled his best commanding glare at the Marine.

"Corporal Cipriano." Young soldier immediately stiffened at full attention. "Sir!"

With well hidden amusement Sheppard watched beads of sweat forming at kid's forehead. Sometimes his reputation as somewhat loose cannon was useful, and at times even entertaining.

"Next time you want to bullshit me Corporal, do so _after _dinner. Or even better, send someone who knows how to lie to me. Now tell me what happened in the kitchen."

...

"Sarge, what do you mean by _'we dont have any fruits left'_?" John Sheppard stared at Master Sargeant Nikolakis incredulously. NCO in charge of kitchen looked ashamed.

"Thats just it, Sir. They are all gone." McKay, who wouldnt go away since he heard about problems in the kitchen snorted with contempt.

"Ah yes. Effectiveness of the military at its finest. If you cant keep track of our food supplies, then what chance we have with Wraiths?" Sheppard shot a glare to shut his friend up, and turned back to Nikolakis. Huge Marine with more than two decades of experience looked down at his feet like kid waiting for scolding.

"OK Sarge." Colonel started calmly. "Two weeks ago Daedalus brought to Atlantis new supplies, including many crates of fresh fruits and vegetables that were put in cold storage – along with products we got from our trading partners here, in Pegasus. Correct?" Nikolakis nodded silently, obviously still too ashamed to look into his CO eyes. Sheppard fought back urge to raise his voice. He'd seen too many officers that would curse the paint off the walls by now, he had no desire to become like them. "Tell me what happened then. Was there any problems with our freezers?" Sargeant raised the head, but before he had a chance to reply Rodney McKay unceremoniously poked Sheppard's arm.

"Oh, so now its equipment malfunction Colonel? Engineering is responsible for maintaining all appliances, and they answer to me. I would know instantly if there'd be problems with kitchen equipment. Dont try to lay the blame...OW!" Canadian jumped away with a yelp when Sheppard forcefully poked him back.

"Im not blaming anyone Rodney...yet. I just want to know the facts. Now, Sarge – you were saying?" Marine looked warily at sneering McKay, then turned to his superior.

"Well, Sir. It kinda was problem with cold storage room." McKay gave a loud and smug "Aha!", but wisely kept his distance. Both soldiers ignored this outburst.

"Continue Sargeant." Calmly said Sheppard.

"We just found about this today morning, Sir." Nikolakis started his explanation. "These little thieves found their way into ventilation ducts, loosened one of lattices covering exits and got into storage rooms. We lost half of fruits, vegetables, flour products and cereals. And other half was, uh... compromised, Sir!" Colonel blinked twice. _Thieves? Vent ducts?_ He decided that while Sargeant Nikolakis was a good soldier, and excellent kitchen manager, he definitely was not sharpest tool in the shed.

"Sarge, who exactly broke into storage area?" Nikolakis scowled darkly, balling huge hands into fists.

"Those damn rabbits, Sir!" Sheppard groaned and started to massage his temples. He could feel killer headache coming his way.

"Great. Just great." McKay was definitely not happy too. "First our computers, now our food. What next, our clothes?" His team leader waved him quiet impatiently.

"Sarge, you've said that we lost half of our stock, and the other half was compromised – what does that mean? Can we recover at least part of it?" Marine vehemently shook his head.

"Negative, Sir! Besides, its gone too by now. We called Doc Beckett, because regulations clearly state that CMO must be noticed immediately when food reserves become contaminated. He ordered all compromised products to be immediately destroyed. My men cleaned storage area, and are dumping everything into ocean right now." Sheppard frowned, he hated when his men were trying to talk around important informations. And Master Sargeant definitely put too much effort to dodge questions pertaining to nature of mysterious factor affecting their food.

"Contaminated? How exactly our food was compromised?" Nikolakis sighed, then stared straight ahead with stony face and gravelly delivered the answer.

"Droppings, Sir!"


	5. About local fauna

Chapter five

John Sheppard and Rodney McKay stood on the opposite sides of corridor, leaning against the walls and looking at each other. "Droppings." Said Sheppard flatly. "Ewww." Responded McKay with revulsion all over his face. Sheppard started massaging his temples again.

"How many bunnies kitchen staff chased from the food storage according to Nikolakis?"

"Twenty...at least."

"And how the hell twenty little animals could eat that damn much? And leave truckload of dung everywhere?"

"Uh. Good metabolism? They might be Dex's distant relatives, you know?"

"I dare you to repeat this in front of Ronon."

"No thanks. Suicidal stunts are your _forte _Colonel."

"Cute McKay. Anyway, how many of these beasts we have in city now?"

"If Miko told me the truth, over fifty. Can you believe she was giddy saying this? And when exactly they managed to form a club of rabbits-breeders? Unbelievable."

"Right now im ready to believe in flying pigs, Rodney."

"They breed fast, thats for sure."

"Yup. From six to almost sixty in few weeks. Fertile little bastards."

"Oh no!"

"What?"

"You wont like this."

"Hit me anyway, it cant get much worse."

'Oh yes Colonel, it can."

"McKay!"

"OK, OK. But remember, you've been warned. Tribbles."

Sheppard stopped rubbing his head and incredulously looked at his friend. Rodney grimly stared back. "You're _shitting_ me!"

"Why? Im sure you remember this episode of "Star Trek". Sweet, cuddly and harmless animals find their way into space station. Everyone likes them. They eat, they reproduce, and reproduce, and reproduce more. Im telling you John, we've found Pegasus version of Tribbles." There was no good reply for this, and silence reigned in corridor for quite a while. Then Rodney started chuckling. John looked at him curiously. "Care to share a joke? I could use some laugh now."

"Sure Sheppard. Do you know that we actually do have some vegetables left?"

"Oh?"

"Yeah. _Hoga_ fruits."

"These that look like cucumber but taste a bit like onion?"

"Exactly. Go figure, not even our voracious little vermins are stupid enough to eat this crap."

"Careful Rodney. We have four weeks until Daedalus next supply run. After a month on MRE's and canned food even _hoga_ will look good."

"We need to get some fresh food from our trading partners."

"Yeah. And find a way to curb demographic explosion of space bunnies."

"You know, this time your method of shooting first, not asking later might be best way to deal with this plague."

"Nuh uh, McKay. Elizabeth already looks at me like im a murderer, even if i was sole victim in her office. If i'd utter a word about opening a hunting season, she'll send my butt back to Earth before you can say 'McMurdo'. Believe me, Elizabeth's not on our side in this case."

"Are you doing these things intentionally?"

"What things?"

"Following James T. Kirk, Sheppard. He sat on a Tribble too."

"I didn't sat on Elizabeth's pets!"

"Good for you. In "Star Trek" it was just a prop – you'd made real mess."

"Bite me, McKay! And stop talking about Tribbles, you're creeping me out."

"Fine. But what do we do, Sheppard?"

"Hmm. First thing: grab Carson and get in touch with someone from Biology – maybe they can find some sort of drug that will cool down Tribble-wannabes libido. If it wont work, we'll go to Athalia, and ask natives how they deal with furballs. That forest fire should be over long ago, we should reach their village in no time."

"And food?"

"Heh, there is a saying that armies march on their stomachs. You certainly think with yours, Rodney."

"And you are a riot Colonel. I cant think when im hungry, and _hello_, hypoglycaemic here."

"All right, all right. I'll start sending teams on food runs today. Now go, find Beckett."

McKay nodded at his friend and walked off in direction of closest transporter. Sheppard rolled his head trying to ease some tension from the neck. He was tired, sore and still hungry. But he also had many things to do. _No rest for the wicked, indeed. _Colonel tapped his headset. "Teyla, Lorne, this is Sheppard. Meet me in my office, we have work to do. And Major? Bring new package of requisition forms – we're gonna need them." Two confirmations came immediately, and Colonel pushed himself off the wall. Just as he was ready to head for transporter his ears caught sound of quiet crunching. Peering around the corner Sheppard froze. It was another bunny – fat, fluffy and happily munching at big, red, shiny apple. Colonel snarled quietly, and his right hand twitched towards sidearm on his thigh. Big ears moved, and alien rabbit meet his look. For a long moment man and animal glared at each other with identical hate and disgust. Finally rabbit turned slowly and scurried away with apple held between teeth. With silent curse Sheppard banged his forehead into wall and started counting to thirty.


	6. Murder, she says

Chapter six.

Ash and charcoal crunched under Sheppard's boots. Every step he took puffed up small cloud of gray, bitter dust. Carefully walking around still smoking and hot stump of dead tree Colonel finally caught the sight of Stargate in the distance, and sighed with relief. His plan A of dealing with invasion of space bunnies got busted as soon as Rodney reached Infirmary. First thing he noticed inside was proud Carson fawning over his newest 'friend' – young, tan rabbit named Moira. McKay almost gagged at the sight of beaming physician and reiterated to find Sheppard. After impromptu brainstorming session Colonel went to sweet talk Elizabeth into giving a go to reconnaissance mission to Athalia. was more than a bit distrustful at first and he had to amp up his boyish charm to the level that, according to impressed and a little disgusted Rodney, could make him ruler of the Universe – if he wasn't too lazy. Finally Elizabeth relented though, and first thing next morning he took his team to "check up on their trade partners, try to barter for some fresh products, and eventually offer help if Athallians needed it." And boy, they did a lot of helping. Sight that greeted team on the other side of wormhole was really disheartening. Ancient forest of enormous trees and dense undergrowth was turned into desert of ash, with remnants of dead trees still standing upright as silent monuments of glory turned to cinders. They rushed forward then, afraid of what was awaiting them in the village. Before firestorm only way there was a narrow, meandering path that would take half of a day to travel. Now, with all obstacles gone they reached village in less than two hours, and found pitifully small group of numb, shocked survivors. Sheppard sighed quietly remembering bitter taste of uselesness he felt then. Athallians were peaceful, kind hearted people. Forest protected them so well, they weren't culled in many generations. Now their protection was gone - as their homes, fields and families. And they didnt knew where to start rebuilding their lives. Atlantians helped with all they could – digging through ruins, gathering still useful items, scouting around for tracks of missing groups that tried to escape from inferno. After everything possible was done, they went back promising to send supplies and qualified personnel from Atlantis – including medical team and combat engineers with equipment necessary to begin rebuilding. Only now, in vicinity of Stargate John remembered why in the first place his team came here – and lauged bitterly at himself.

"Whats so funny?" Grumbled Rodney kicking tiredly at blackened branch blocking his way.

"Nothing." Replied Sheppard. "And thats the problem." Rodney stared at him with irritation mixed with worry.

"Oh, come on. Dont tell me you feel responsible for what happened here too? Because that would be more than your usual overburdening yourself – it would be masochism, plain and simple."

Sheppard quirked reassuring smile at his friend. "Dont worry, im not that far gone. Just...we came here for informations about rabbits, not because we really cared for Athallians. We are so used to think our responsibility lies only in fighting Wraiths, we usually forget that Pegasus is dangerous place by itself. Fire might me over, but locals are in even more danger. This forest was their only defence against Wraiths – now its gone. I think im gonna fly one of Jumpers here, and do some air recon for more protected place they could relocate to."

Rodney sighed heavily and stomped on another branch raising sizeable puff of ash. "Good thinking. You know, compared to what happened here our problems with bunnies are nothing." Sheppard nodded in agreement, and they slipped into silence again. And that was another thing bothering Colonel – quiet, subdued Rodney McKay. Back in the village they gave all their food and medical supplies to the survivors. John squirreled away couple of power bars for Rodney, but usually egotistic physicist surprised him immensely slipping them to old woman mourning loss of her entire family. Sheppard was proud and impressed, but at the same time even more worried. After day of hard work and many hours of marching even Ronon was moving slower, and with less energy than usually. As for him, he was literally dragging his feet – if Rodney collapsed from hypoglicaemia carrying him through rough terrain would be real problem. Fortunately scientist kept walking with determination, and they were at the end of the trek. After another five minutes they reached Gate location, and with long groan McKay collapsed against DHD. Teyla joined him with her own groan.

"Ancestors! I could lie down and sleep for a week here." Ronon grunted in agreement stretching his back. Sheppard bent down and rubbed his burning knees and thighs.

"I dont. I want to go home and spend full hour under my shower...and then sleep for a week."

"Sounds like a good plan." Rumbled ex-runner offering his hand to Teyla. She took it and he pulled her up with a grunt.

"I agree. And we need to send help to the village. Like John said, they are defenceless and very vulnerable." McKay didn't moved thought and was looking mournfully at his teammates.

"Shower and sleep, sure. But what about food? After all that walking and digging and dragging i could really use something better than MRE for dinner." Sheppard made a face. "I second that. Hopefully other teams had more luck than us."

"We can always eat a rabbit." As soon as these word left Ronon's mouth both Sheppard and McKay stopped dead in their tracks.

"Are you kidding us, Conan?" Rodney was clearly appaled, but at the same moment intriqued. "They are edible?" Ronon lifted his shoulders in a shrug.

"'Course they are. I ate one couple of years ago, on the run."

"How it tasted?" Blurted out Colonel. Ronon smacked his lips reflectively.

"Meat is kinda sweet. We'd need salt and spices."

"Mustard?" Asked Rodney just as Sheppard said "Salsa?"

"We can try both."

Colonel and physicist looked at each other uncertainly. Sheppard decided that idea of eating a space rabbit was definitely strange. On the other hand...image of steaming, juicy piece of meat covered in crunchy, smelling heavenly crust popped in his mind making his mouth water. Rodney's eyes glassed over too. "You know, in less than an hour i can make a grill out of leftover parts in my lab." He said with dreamy smile. Sheppard could feel broad grin forming on his own face.

"Gentlemen, there's the plan: Rodney, rig your grill together. Ronon, get meat ready. I'll bring bread, spices and drinks. Lets meet on West Pier in two hours."

"Hey, Sheppard!" Rodney looked at his team leader with wicked smile. "Are you no longer worried that Elizabeth will banish you to Earth for... hmm, lets say cutting down rabbits population growth rate?" John meet his friends smile with his own wolfish one.

"You know what they say: revenge is a dish best served cold. Well, i'll take mine hot and with salsa. And what Elizabeth doesn't know, that won't hurt her."

"Did i heard you right? You want to eat one of our bunnies?" All three men winced and turned as one. Teyla stood mere meters from them – hands on the hips, disbelief and anger clear on pretty face. Sheppard cleared his throat observing with irritation as Rodney backed away hastily and hid behind Ronon. Huge Satedan had shown no intention to speak, so he turned to face irated Athosian. There was no good way to talk around this particular matter, so he decided to go straight for it.

"Yes Teyla, actually we do. These animals destroyed our food, and after whole day of helping _your_ friends we need a meal more substantial than MRE's or spam from the can. Im sure you understand this." Teyla's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"No John, i dont understand. We are not in danger of starving. There is enough food in Atlantis to last until Daedalus arrives from Earth. I know none of you is very fond of military rations, but its not a reason to murder and eat an innocent, harmless animal."

Sheppard crossed his arms and looked at Athosian calmly. "Harmless, indeed. These pests caused more troubles and destruction than Wraiths during the Siege. So no, im not going to lose any sleep after eating some fresh rabbit meat. Besides, there is sixty of them in Atlantis already. By the end of the month there will be more rabbits than humans in the city. I dont think anyone will miss one..."

"Two." Piped in Rodney.

"Four." Rumbled Ronon. Sheppard rolled his eyes and chuckled.

"OK, four rabbits. See Teyla? Do you really want to stand between Ronon and his food?" Teyla clearly was not amused at his attempts at humor. In fact, she looked determined to defend her point. Her next words proven him right.

"I dont care if you Colonel, or Ronon or anyone else is too picky and spoiled to get by on MRE's for couple of days. Rabbits are our friends, not food. And if you will try to harm them, i will take this matter straight to Elizabeth!" Sheppard stared at the Athosian incredulously for a moment, then his own hackles raised at the threat. In two long strides he closed distance between them and met her fiery glare with his own icy one.

"No. You will not go to Elizabeth. Or anyone else for that matter. Its a team's secret. Period. Am i clear?"

"Is that an order, Colonel?" Her burning eyes promised much pain during their next sparring session, but he was too angry, hungry and tired to care. "Yes, it is. Do you have a problem with it?"

Teyla's eyes narrowed to slits, but surprisingly, she only shook her head. "No, Colonel Sheppard. I do not. But dont expect any help from me with this atrocity." With this parting shot Teyla turned away with a huff and walked couple of steps towards the Gate. "Wouldn't dream about this." Sheppard muttered sarcastically and shot a look at his two remaining teammates. Wide eyed Rodney stared at him with jaw hanging almost at his belt level, while Ronon stood with unreadable expression on his face. Sheppard briefly wondered if huge Satedan was impressed by his defiance, or secretly laughed his ass off at his stupidity. '_Probably the latter'. _He thought bitterly deciding that it was one of his worst days ever.

"Dial home Rodney." John said with weary sigh. McKay pulled his slack jaw up, nodded once and warily circled around Teyla to perform fastest dialing of Stargate in his life. As soon as wormhole stabilized and IDC was sent Teyla, still stiff and ignoring everyone, went through. Ronon clapped him on the back once and followed her. Rodney continued to stand next to DHD, nervously rubbing his hands and looking between event horizon and his team leader.

"What?"

"Uh, you know she's going to make our lives miserable for this? Maybe we should apologise, or play dumb and say it was just a joke."

John smiled sardonically at jittery scientist. "Too late Rodney. Go and get the grill ready, at least this way we'll eat decent last meal."

Rodney tiredly rubbed his face. "Its a nightmare Sheppard. Its like Lucius all over again. Everyone is behaving strange, nothing makes sense anymore. I want to wake up." John reassuringly squeezed his shoulder.

"I know McKay. Its not my day too. Anyway, lets go home before Gate turns off. Remember, we have a dinner to cook."

"Yeah, and with our luck we'll end with food poisoning, or worse." Rodney threw last disgusted glare at burned down forest and together they walked to the Stargate. Sheppard let McKay go through first, and stepped into Atlantis...and something soft and squishy, that made squelching sound under his foot.


	7. Cleaning the city

Chapter seven

Fo a moment John Sheppard stood frozen in the front of Stargate. Finally, very slowly, he looked down at his feet.

"Crap."

"Indisputably." Agreed Rodney McKay waving a hand in front of his face and slightly backing away from his team leader. Ronon sniggered at disbelief written all over Sheppard's face. Teyla just smirked evilly.

"Excuse me, Colonel?" Sheppard raised his head and zeroed on young Airman standing couple of steps from him with a brush and shovel in hands. Soldier shifted uneasily under his glare.

"Uh, i was just about to remove... _this,_ when you dialled in, Sir. If you'd move a bit i'll... um, clean it immediately. Colonel, Sir." Sheppard took a slow, deep breath. Just as he was about to say couple of choice words to his subordinate sound of rustling caught his attention. Even before he turned his head in direction of the noise John knew what he'll see. And sure enough, there was one of big Ancient pots with green bush growing inside. One of alien rabbits stood upright, supporting himself on pot's edge and with gusto plucked leaf after leaf off the branches. As if sensing his stare space bunny stopped eating and meet his eyes. If Sheppard ever had any doubts about bunnies being atrocious little bastards, they all evaporated when animal, still staring in his eyes, raised long tail and delivered another load of black 'marbles' on his city's pristine floor. In this very moment something inside Colonel snapped, and he felt black, cold fury rising in his chest.

"Colonel Sheppard? May i proceed, Sir?" John looked at still waiting Airman, and gave him a smile usually reserved only for one Acastus Kolya. Kid blanched and involuntarily took a step back. Sheppard's smile widened by milimeters.

"No, you may not, Airman." He said coldly. His teammates tensed alarmed by his flat voice. Rodney inched cautiously closer and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Uh, hey Sheppard? Its just a bit of of dirt, right? No need to go ballistic. Do you remember that grass planet with Ancient outpost surrounded by huge herds of buffalo things? We all smelled like stable and ruined our shoes there. Im sure yours will be fine with a bit of work...and ,uh, shoe polish." Airman's head bobbed up and down vigorously.

"Absolutely Sir! Just give me your boots and i'll clean them in no time." Still with a smile plastered on his face Sheppard turned his head to look at McKay. Canadian gasped and hastily took his hand away. Colonel's eyes looked like twin black holes absorbing all light that came too close.

"Its very nice of you, Airman." Sheppard started talking in eerily calm voice. "But i have things to do right now. Chuck!" Technician's head popped up from behind row of monitors.

"Sir?"

"Give me a city wide, Sargeant." Chuck blinked at his commander's official tone and disappeared. Couple of seconds later his voice announced." You're on, Colonel!"

"Thank you Chuck." Replied Sheppard and tapped his headset. When all speakers crackled he started speaking.

"Attention all personnel – this is Sheppard." _Not quite Elizabeth's radio voice, but still not too shabby._ "All members of military forces report immediately to the Gate Room in full combat gear. This is not a drill. I repeat: this is not a drill." Just before severing the connection something crossed his mind. "And somebody bring me a shotgun!" His teammates stared at him with wide eyes. Teyla, her glee at John's predicament long gone, swallowed and tried to smile.

"John, please dont do anything rash. Like Rodney said, its only a bit of dirt. Im sure this young soldier is very sorry. Please, forgive him." _Huh? What is she talking about..._Weak whimper brought his attention back to Airman still rooted to the same spot of the floor. Soldier was ashen and visibly trembling. Sheppard rolled his eyes.

"Im not going to have you shot, Airman. Didn't you hear my orders? Go gear up!" Kid almost sobbed, stuttered "Yes Sir!" and made himself scarce. Sheppard made mental note to not send him off-world anytime soon. By this time soldiers and Marines of all nationalities represented in Atlantis began to pour into Gate Room. One of the first was Major Lorne, still fastening his gear in full run. To Major's credit he didnt even blink at the sight of his CO standing in the middle of the room in soiled boots and unreadable face.

"Sir! What's the situation, are we under attack?" Lorne was casting quick glances in all directions, already looking for trouble.

"Not immediately Lorne." Replied Sheppard distractedly. Elizabeth appeared on top of the stairs and with puzzled face headed in his direction.

"John? Whats going on? Why are you gathering your men?" 's voice trailed off when she noticed how focused her military commander was. And his eyes...Elizabeth shuddered and hugged herself, she felt like temperature in the Gate Room dropped by several degrees. "John? What is it?"

Sheppard quirked quick, distracted smile at her. "Just a small pest infestation Elizabeth. Dont worry, everything is under control." All his previous worries about her attitude towards him, or even being sent back to Earth disappeared in cold fire he felt inside his heart. He knew this fury well, and revelled in it. Last time he felt like this his body count exceeded sixty, and he felt absolutely no remorse for killing all those Genii soldiers. Again it was time to regain control of his city, and his life. If she was going to kick him out of Atlantis for his actions...oh well, all good things in his life ended sooner rather than later, anyway. He concentrated on approaching woman in Marine Corps uniform. Staff Sargeant Estevez sharply presented combat shotgun to him.

"Loaded, Sir!" Colonel nodded, taking the weapon.

"Thank you Sarge." Estevez nodded back at him and marched away to join her team with precision that would make any drill instructor proud. Sheppard chambered a round with very satysfying clatter.

"All right, people! Listen up!" Colonel's shout immediately silenced all noise in Gate Room. All eyes focused on Atlantis Military Commander standing in front of his men in rigid, confident stance.

"Atlantis has been infiltrated by hostile elements." He started speaking in calm, measured words. "They destroyed our supplies. Our communications and chain of command has been compromised too. But its as far as they can go, because we are stopping this incursion here and now. This city is my home, and i know many of you consider Atlantis their home as well. Its time to get our home back! It wont be easy and pleasant task – but im sure i can count on every one of you." Pin dropped on the floor would be easily heard in spacious room. Sound of rustling leaves made by still eating space bunny seemed loud as an avalanche. Sheppard smiled cruelly. "Ladies and gentelmen..." Colonel pivoted, shouldered his shotgun and fired in one smooth move. Rabbit, bush and pot disappeared under onslaught of high-calibre buckshots. Everyone present jumped at sudden explosion, and Sheppard turned back to them with wide manic smile. "...its rabbit season!" Gate Room erupted into chaos around him and Colonel started laughing. Headache bothering him since forever disappeared, he felt light, alive and exhilarated. Spotting another furry pest sneaking by, he fired again and triumphally grinned when cloud of lead turned the rabbit into mince meat.

"Take no prisoners!" He shouted over the canonade. Not like his soldiers needed encouragement.

_"Hey guys! Look."_

Gunshots, shouts and terrified squeaks came from every direction. Thick cloud of gray smoke filled entire room.

_"Sheppard?"_

"Space bunnies must die!"

_"Oh my God! Carson, you quack!" _Rodney's voice was surprisingly close, he'd expected his friend to be far away from flying lead by now.

_"Dont shout here Rodney_. _Whats the matter, lad?" _Beckett? What Doc was doing here - was someone injured?

_"We think Colonel is waking up Carson." _Colonel? Waking up?

_"Is he, luv? Lemme take a look." _Physician's brogue was so close – why he couldn't see him? It was not safe! John started struggling, trying to see through the smoke.

_"Carson! You told us he will be OK, you_..._you...voodoo_ _charlatan! And now he's brain damaged!" _Finally he was making progress. Gray fog surrounding him thinned, and he was able to see Beckett...standing above him? Nose-to-nose with enraged Rodney? All sounds around changed too – from gunshots to all too familiar beeping...what the heck was he doing in Infirmary?

"Rodney, all scans clearly show no signs of permanent damage in Colonel's brain. At the worst he has a concussion – and it should be fairly mild one." Concussion? That explained nasty headache hammering at his temples again. But how he went from rabbit hunting to being under Beckett's care? Distinctly 'Ronon'esque' growl coming from McKay brought his wavering attention back to arguing pair.

"Im telling you Carson, his brain turned into mush while you were playing with your dolls and needles. If you'd be here you would hear him babbling complete nonsense." Beckett gave long suffering sight and rolled his eyes skyward.

"Like many patients with head injury. And it doesnt mean anything, mind you. I'll have you know that sometimes even absolutely healthy people babble too – you are excellent example." Rodney turned crimson at the insult.

"Mock me all you want, you sheep herder. But i cant wait to see you explaining to Elizabeth why Sheppard is a vegetable!" Beckett's face turned into interesting shade of red too, and he looked very close to grabbing McKay and shaking him until physicist's teeth rattled.

"Good Lord, Rodney! John is NOT brain damaged! Why do you keep saying this!"

"Because he thinks he's Elmer freaking' Fudd!"


	8. Puddle jumping

**Chapter eight**

"McKay." When familiar voice drawled his name Rodney's head jerked towards the bed and its occupant. Hazel eyes were open, and glaring from under swath of white bandage.

"Sheppard?"

"Rodney, be vewwy, vewwy quiet!"

"Oh God!" McKays fingers clamped on the front of Beckett's jacket. "Now you see? I told you he's gone whacko!" Carson winced at high pitched squeak and involuntarily rubbed his ear. "Aye Rodney, i can see. But not hear anymore, thank ye so much." Gently but firmly extricating himself from McKay's death grip Beckett went to take a better look at his most frequent patient. Colonel was pale, and sported dark circles under eyes, but nonetheless Carson caught shadow of mischievous smirk on John's lips and relaxed inwardly.

"Hello lad, how're ye feelin'?" Hint of smile disappeared replaced by frown and Sheppard touched the bandage with obvious confusion.

"My head hurts. But...what am i doing in infirmary?" Ronon and Teyla tensed in their seats on the other side of bed, and Carson could hear Rodney's alarmed fidgeting. He was not too happy either, memory loss was never a good sign in any case of head injury. Still...

"Whats the last thing ye remember, Colonel?" Injured man fidgeted and started picking at the sheet. "We were off-world...? I remember Rodney dialing Atlantis address, then we went through wormhole...and i woke up here, just in time to hear McKay insulting my mental abilities." Sheppard concluded with pointed glare aimed at his best friend. Canadian huffed indignitantly from behind Beckett's shoulder.

"You were chanelling your inner Elmer Fudd, Sheppard! What was i supposed to think hearing_"Kill the rabbits! Kill them all_!" Huh?" Obviously deciding to not continue back and forth with McKay Sheppard turned his eyes to rest of his team.

"OK guys, you tell me. We returned home, and what...somebody jumped me? Roof fell on my head?" Ronon and Teyla looked at each other, then back at Sheppard, who questioningly lifted one eyebrow. Ronon kept his silence, so Teyla started talking, with slightly forced smile.

"Do you remember Major Lorne's team going to P6X – 290 John?" Sheppard nodded, and made a motion to scratch under his bandage. Beckett swatted his hand away and scowled disapprovingly, which in turn made Colonel pout. Teyla watched her friends with amusement, and when they settled their little 'dispute' continued. "Unfortunately Major and his men encountered heavy rainfall, and were forced to return earlier. In doing so they brought a lot of mud into Gate Room."

Ronon snorted from his chair. "Chuck used words _pig pen_ to describe Room's state." Sheppard started to chuckle, then winced and mouthed 'ow'.

"Im fine, im fine." He grumbled waving away worried Beckett. "Please Teyla, what happened? Just dont tell me i've slipped on the mud."

"No, of course not, John. Maintenance crew cleaned everything before we returned. Unfortunately they left a puddle just in front of Stargate." Sheppard groaned and sank into pillows.

"And i stepped right into it, and slipped, right?"

"In a nutshell? Yes. But you made it with a lot of grace." Rodney chirped gleefully. "Your legs in the air? Very amusing."

"Not as amusing as McKay panicking at first sight of blood." Ronon countered with a smirk aimed at glaring scientist.

"Blood?" Asked Sheppard looking quizically at Becket and again reaching to the bandage.

Carson swatted his hand away. "You banged your head on the Gate. Eight stitches this time, lad. Dont scratch it."

At the same time Rodney was glaring a hole into huge ex-runner. "Of course i was worried. Survive Wraiths, Replicators, Genii, volcanoes, viruses and all these nuclear explosions only to crack his head open because he slipped? Thats absolutely in character for Sheppard!"

"Geee, Rodney. I didn't know you cared." Sarcastically quipped Colonel. McKay turned to him with a smirk on the face. "Sure i care Sheppard. You've hit Stargate with such strenght i've ordered Radek to check it for structural microdamages. Naquadah is a hard stuff, but so is your head." Irritated Sheppard sharply raised his head to properly glare at the Judas disguising himself as his best friend, but sharp pain stabbing at his temples instantly convinced him it was bad idea. Alarmed by his gasp and sudden paleness Carson bent to check his patient state, and found himself looking into pleading eyes.

"Say, Carson." Whispered quietly Sheppard. "Is there something about protecting your patients from torture and excessive teasing in Hippocratic Oath?" Relieved Scot showed dimples in broad smile and chuckled patting Colonel's arm.

"I believe there is something, indeed. Dont worry lad, i'll get rid of him right away." Schooling his round face in sternest possible expression Scottish doctor straightened and pierced worried-looking McKay with angry look.

"Now you see, what've ye done, ye bampot? I wont have you disturbing my patient, who barely regained consciousness. Out with you, and dont come back until morning!" Rodney anxiously looked at motionless Sheppard, then back at scowling Beckett.

"But...you've said he's fine Carson. How come he suddenly feels worse?"

"Maybe it has something to do with your so-called "jokes"about his hurting head." Ronon, who somehow managed to overhear Sheppard's whisper decided to add some oil to the fire under Rodney's feet.

"What's that supposed to mean, Conan?" McKay's voice rised noticeably. Ronon's smirk only widened. "Just that your sense of humor can make anyone queasy, little man."

"Oh?" McKay defiantly raised his chin. "So when Sheppard is poking fun at me its funny, right? And my jokes made him sick...- er? This is outrageously not fair!"

Ronon shrugged leaning back and stretching long legs. "Some people can get away with this kind of jokes. You are not one of them." He said matter-of-factly.

"What? And what exactly do you know about good and bad jokes, Caveman? Your idea of fun probably ends at putting something disgusting behind your victims collar, isn't it?" Satedan threw predatory smile at fuming scientist. But before they engaged in all-out verbal battle Sheppard decided to take matters in his own hands.

"R-Rodney?" Upon hearing weak and filled with misery groan coming from the bed McKay instantly forgot about his quarrel with Satedan and went to Sheppard's side.

"John? Do you want something from me?"

"Yeah." Rasped Colonel and cracked one eye open to give his friend pleading look. "M'gonna be sick... Hand me a basin, willya?" Alarmed Rodney jumped back.

"Uh. Oh, yeah, about that..." Panicked blue eyes found Beckett standing near him, and not wasting any time to wonder what caused quite strange expression on physician's face Rodney grabbed his sleeve and forcefully dragged Scot closer to the bed. "You help him, you are a doctor after all! If he starts puking i'll get sick too – you dont want me chain-vomiting here, do you?" Speechless Carson could only shake his head and relieved Rodney gathered all his courage to come closer to the bed and awkwardly pat Sheppard's knee.

"See? Carson will take good care of you Colonel. He's very good at this, y'know? I, uh...i have to talk to Elizabeth right now. Very important matter. Life and death, and...and...its really important." Talking mile a minute McKay was backing slowly towards door. But before he managed to reach the exit John made small gagging noise and scientist disappeared mid-word like he was caught in culling beam. All occupants of the room lost it instantly. For few minutes only laughter, giggles and occasional snorts could be heard near Sheppard's bed. Finally Teyla was first to recover from her bout of giggles.

"That was mean, John. Funny, i admit, but still mean." She said with stern expression on her face, but apparently she was unable to keep her lips from twitching. Ronon leaned forward to give Sheppard's leg a pat. "Good one, Sheppard. Dont listen to her."

"Aye." Carson agreed wiping tears of laughter. "You do know him well, lad."

Sheppard smirked, playfully lifting his eyebrow at Athosian. "Hey, he called me brain-dead first. I have every right to defend myself, since im injured and helpless." Teyla started giggling again at his pout, but sobered when Sheppard suddenly yawned.

"You are tired John. We should leave and let you sleep.

"Sleep, sure." John grumbled dejectedly sinking lower into his pillow. "With nurses waking me up regularly? I dont think so, i'd prefer to stay awake and talk with you."

" I think this time we can do without waking you, Colonel." Carson smiled reassuringly at him. "Your results are quite good, and you are coherent enough. I'll let you sleep, and if in the morning your condition will show further improvement, we'll see about letting you go to your quarters." Sheppard perked at the last word, and Carson warningly raised a finger. "I said in the morning. And no attempts to escape son, or you'll spend much more time here."

Ronon chuckled at fis friend's deflated expression and stood up stretching broad shoulders."You heard the Doc, Sheppard. Be good and get some sleep." Teyla got up too. "Yes, sleep well John. We'll eat breakfast together tomorrow."

"And bring my clothes." Said Sheppard staring defiantly at Beckett. Carson shook his head, laughing quietly at soldier's stubborness. "We'll see Colonel. We'll see. Now good night lad."

"Carson?" Beckett turned from the doors with questioning look. Sheppard fidgeted slightly avoiding for some reason his eyes. "Uh, can i have an apple for breakfast?"

**Author's notes:** This story is finished. Epiloque is ready, and will be uploaded very soon.


	9. The End? Really?

**Chapter nine**

Elizabeth Weir raised head at the sound of light tapping. Sheppard propped on the door frame waved at her with a grin. "Hi Lizbeth. Are you busy?" She smiled back at him and turned her tablet so he could see half-finished Solitaire.

"As you can see – not really. Come on in, John." Colonel ambled inside and made himself comfortable on the edge of the desk. She leaned back and gave him a questioning look. "What brings you to my humble abode?"

"Couple of things. First of all i want to thank you for letting me return to full duty so soon." Elizabeth nodded with a smile.

"Well, even Carson couldn't find an excuse to keep you locked in Atlantis any longer." She definitely was not going to tell him about visit of desperated Major Lorne, who barged into her meeting with Carson and practically begged them to send his suddenly anal-retentive boss out of the city. As it turned out stuck on light duty and terminally bored John decided to remind his subordinates about proper security procedures concerning storing and safeguarding of specimens of local fauna and flora. After three days of constant harassment Lorne looked ready to go postal, and for his sake Carson agreed to clear Colonel for full duty earlier.

"Yeah." Sheppard grinned broadly. "I cant wait for tomorrow morning. Will be nice to stretch my legs – even if it is just a 'nerd watch' mission."

Elizabeth chuckled at his eagerness. "And your other reasons?" Sheppard waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Why, i wanted to see you of course. You didnt come to visit me in infirmary, so i've came to ask why." His tone was playful, but she could see dissapointment hidden deep in hazel eyes, and wanted to kick herself. She was in the infirmary, of course – late in the night when he, and almost everyone else were asleep. Even then she was too aware of night nurse presence to do anything she really wanted to – wake him, kiss him senseless...and finally whack him over the head for scaring her like that. Instead she decided to play it safe – and in doing so she hurt his feelings.

"Well. Colonel." She said hiding her anxiety behind playful smile of her own. "What would your soldiers say at the sight of Atlantis leader kissing their commanding officer's boo-boo's?"

"That i have an excellent taste and am making real progress?" His bold reply and broad smile left her speechless and blushing furiously. At her panicked glance towards glass walls of the office Sheppard decided to let it go...for now.

"Anyways, last reason is that im going to settle a small matter with Rodney. So im giving you early warning."

"Oh? What did he do to you this time?" Elizabeth took with gratitude an out he offered. Banter and bickering between her 2iC and Chief Scientist was definitely safer ground than unprofessional feelings she shouldn't have for said second-in-command...and vice-versa.

"Ah, nothing serious." John dismissively waved his hand. "Just another round of neverending battle of wits. Im going to pay him back for all _"Caution! Wet floor!" _signs popping everywhere i go."

Elizabeth chuckled rolling her eyes. "Yes, that definitely sounds like Rodney. What are you going to do, John? Should i get Carson on standby, or evacuate city in advance if you want to start next prank war?"

"Well, i was thinking about torturing him with lemon...or two." John started scratching his chin with serious expression. "But that would be too fast, and relatively painless. So, instead im going to beat him black-and-blue with biggest of six stuffed rabbits that mysteriously found their way into my quarters." Elizabeth blinked caught off-guard by his dry delivery, and with very unladylike snort lost it completely. While she was laughing helplessly Sheppard crowed silently in triumph. Reducing always calm and composed to the state where she didn't care about appearances anymore and was laughing to the point of tears? No small feat. And he was one of few beings in the world that could do it.

Finally she managed to regain control over herself sufficiently to fix him with stern look...without corners of her mouth twitching too much. "You are..._incorrigible,_ Colonel!"

"Part of my charm, Ma'am." He replied cheerfully, beaming at her. Elizabeth shook her head with exagerrated sigh of resignation.

"Anyway, aren't you curious where our illustrious Dr. McKay managed to find half of a dozen of stuffed bunnies in the city three millions of light years from closest toy store?" John asked off-handedly, and with satisfaction observed wave of pink creeping on her cheeks. Yup, second part of his plan was coming about nicely.

"Hmm, probably borrowed them from expedition members." She replied faking lack of interest, at the same time fully aware of Sheppard watching her like hawk. Colonel smirk broadened when he reached under his jacket.

"Of course he did. And i think you know to whom belongs this little fella." Sheppard deadpanned placing ball of purple fluff with two long ears and eyes made of small buttons in front of her. Pink deepened into crimson, and she hastily grabbed the toy from the desk. "How did you know?"

"Oh, i saw it in your room before going to Earth when Ancients kicked us out of city. I thought you are dog person, y'know." Elizabeth smiled fondly at the mascot, and carefully placed it inside one of drawers. "Its a gift from one of my students from Georgetown – for luck."

"Yeah, he's certainly lucky." Sheppard nodded wisely. "Rest of his associates is placed under arrest in my closet. One question though – why?"

Elizabeth averted her eyes, sheepishly tracing invisible pattern on the desk top. "You know Rodney, he can be very persistent and convincing when he wants something...and it sounded, uh..."

"Like really funny idea?" Finished John softly. She looked at him and he winked.

"Yes, it did. I hope you are not mad."

"Mad? Because you had fun? Nah." Sheppard lifted one finger to stop her from talking and continued. "But because it was fun at my expense you owe me something in return."

Elizabeth narrowed cautiously her eyes. "And what would that be, John?"

"Lunch, Lizbeth. With me. Today."

"A lunch? Why, Colonel – are you inviting me for a date?" Elizabeth smiled slyly, leaning back in her chair to have better view at her companion. But since two could play this game, Sheppard leaned forward with his own saucy smile. "Anytime you want, Doctor."

Elizabeth laughed uncertainly, not sure how far he was ready to take his teasing. "Lunch it is, then."

John firmly squashed his disappointment. He caught flicker of longing in her eyes, and it had to be enough...for now, anyway.

"All right, lets get going then." He said brightly, hopping of the desk, and discreetly rubbing his still somewhat stiff back.

"What, now?" Elizabeth looked at her watch with a frown, and then blinked realizing how late it wa s getting. Sheppard smirked smugly at her. "Yeah, now. Or else we'll eat cold leftovers." With a roll of her eyes Elizabeth started rising from her chair...and in the exact moment her computer beeped announcing new e-mail. She sat back and opened it.

"Elizabeth!" Sheppard whined indignitantly. She gave him distracted hand wave. "Its from Engineering, John. I was waiting whole day for their report about our desalinization capabilities. Give me five minutes, please." Colonel sighed defeated - there was no way to drag Dr. Weir away until she finished reading. Deciding that his bruised back deserved to wait these five minutes on softer surface than hard wood, he bent to sit in one of comfortable armchairs in front of Elizabeth's desk. He was halfway down when she realized what he was doing, and her head jerked up in alarm.

**"NO! DONT SIT DOWN!"**

(The End?)

Author's notes: Thats all, folks! I hope you got at least a few chuckles out of this fic. This particular plot bunny was stalking me for long time – and i promise it was the only rabbit murdered during writing of this story. And sorry for the delays: real life (a.k.a. net issues) can be more annoying than swarm of alien rabbits.


End file.
